Famous Phonies Read online

  The Five Basic Relationships of Confucianism

  Confucianism is big on our relationships to others. Here are his top five relationships, with the most important person mentioned first, of course:

  1. Ruler to Ruled

  2. Father to Son

  3. Husband to Wife

  4. Elder Brother to Younger Brother

  5. Friend to Friend

  The trick was to know your place in this ruling system. A son always respects the father, and hopefully, the father will be deserving of that respect. But in Confucianism, the father doesn’t have to be nice or kind to his son. He can even abandon his son, like Confucius did, and that son must still respect him. As you can see, it’s good to be an old man in this scheme. Kind of like Confucius.

  Li is about rituals—and boy was Confucius big on rituals. If you want to be a junzi, you have to respect social rituals in the proper way. These customs determine how one should drink tea, honor one’s ancestors, and even govern a country. By practicing rituals down to the tiniest detail, you discipline your mind and your body to think and act in the right way. Pretty deep, huh?

  Top Five Confucius Sayings (That Would Totally Rule Twitter)

  Confucius has so many great sayings it’s hard to choose the best ones, but here are a few:

  1. Man with one chopstick always goes hungry.

  2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  3. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

  4. Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.

  Just kidding. Those are bad “Confucius says” jokes. Here are some real Confucian sayings directly from the Analects:

  1. To see the right and not do it is to lack courage.

  2. When anger rises, think of the consequences.

  3. When one rules by means of virtue it is like the North Star—it dwells in its place and all others turn towards it.

  4. Do not be concerned that no one may recognize your merits. Be concerned that you may not recognize others’.

  5. If you study but don’t think, you’ll be lost. If you think but don’t study, you’ll get into trouble.

  Making a Legend

  Yes, a man named Confucius lived and breathed fresh Chinese air in the sixth century BCE. But he certainly wasn’t the sweet, wise teacher who had a pithy saying in his back pocket for every situation. That phony version of Confucius can only be attributed to his followers. After Confucius died, they raced for their pens and wrote down as many of his sayings as they could remember. They probably also invented a lot of new ones along the way. Then, they got walking. They traveled across China, spreading their form of Confucianism until it started trending.

  As a result of his followers’ efforts, Confucius’s legacy is as important as any of the other great world teachers. You can’t discuss what it means to be Chinese without discussing Confucianism. For over two thousand years, Confucianism was the official philosophy of China, meaning millions and millions followed his teaching. Until the twentieth century, any student who wanted even a basic government position had to pass an exam on Confucian principles—to make sure they knew how to govern properly.

  It took a while, but a wise man once (supposedly) said, “It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.” Fortunately for Confucius, his followers listened carefully to his words—even if they made some of them up in the first place.

  Chapter

  2

  George Washington

  His High Mightiness

  Lived: Eighteenth century CE, America

  Occupation: Commander-in-Chief, first President of the United States

  How to Look Like a Hero

  It’s time to take everything you think you know about George Washington and throw out at least half of it. You can start with his appearance. He was freakishly tall at six-foot, three-inches, had a pockmarked nose from smallpox, auburn (red) hair, and was built like a quarterback. The white-haired elderly gentleman we know from the dollar bill didn’t come until much later.

  Washington was no dummy, though, so don’t worry about that. He knew his role in the United States of America would be too great for people not to be interested in his life. So he made sure to dot his i’s and cross his t’s. He even admitted as much when he said, “I walk on untrodden ground. There is scarcely any part of my conduct which may not hereafter be drawn into precedent.”

  In other words, he knew he had better at least have the shiny veneer of a hero, unlike his actual veneers, which weren’t shiny at all.

  Scary enough for Halloween.

  Before he was unanimously elected as general of the Continental Army (sort of), before he led the Americans to victory at Yorktown (kind of), before he graciously came out of retirement to become the first president and set the course for the new country (somewhat), George Washington was just a small-time farm boy with no professional education and a chip on his shoulder the size of Virginia.

  Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

  We won’t even talk about the obvious fake myths surrounding George Washington, like his wooden teeth or the infamous cherry tree incident. Sure, Washington’s terrible teeth could scare a zombie, but they weren’t wooden. They were made from the pearly whites of humans and hippos. And he certainly could tell a lie. That sly old fox constantly covered up his secrets and misdeeds. His life depended on lying his red head off to Congress and to the British. Mostly because the entire British Empire wanted to kill him, and if they ever captured him or if the war was lost, Washington would have gotten a traitor’s death—hanged, drawn and quartered.

  Bagging Bald Eagles

  George considered it a good day when he was able to hunt. In true aristocratic fashion, foxes were his favorite prey, but he also got pretty excited when he shot five bald eagles and five mallard ducks in one day in 1768. For a man always worried about his historical reputation, bagging bald eagles didn’t faze him. Then again, they weren’t endangered yet like they are today, and the United States of America wasn’t even a twinkling in his eye.

  This will never go out of style!

  He also wasn’t the down-to-earth, calm hero everyone thinks he was. Washington tended more towards the pretentious side of Virginia aristocracy. Instead of shaking hands, he preferred to bow and would stare you down until you retracted your hand from his presence. Don’t even dream of actually patting him on the back, either.

  And his temper was explosive when he couldn’t contain himself, although he usually could. Thomas Jefferson remembered one time in particular when George went crazy. He threw off his hat and stomped on it in a temper-tantrum most three-year-olds would envy.

  George had good reasons to put on airs and fight for what he wanted. He had a lot to prove. No less than five deaths made it possible for him to become the legend we know and love. As the first son of a second wife, Washington was entitled to little of his father’s wealth. But with the deaths of his father, his older brother, his older brother’s wife, his future wife’s first husband, and his stepdaughter, Washington suddenly found himself rolling in the dough.

  dough:

  Money. Although his face wasn’t on those bills yet.

  Without money, Washington wouldn’t have been Washington.

  Hey, it takes a lot of gold to properly clothe His High Mightiness—as he once suggested a president should be called, before deciding on the more democratic, Mr. President.

  Although he came from humble beginnings, George had more refinement and class in his little pinky than the king of England had in his whole palace. At least that’s what George thought. As soon as he came into some money, George made sure everyone else thought that, too.

  When calling upon the Continental Congress to boycott all imported goods from Britain prior to the Revolutionary War, he was secretly ordering carriages, fancy clothing, guns, and Wedgewood pottery from London for his own personal use. At another meeting of Congress, he called for the end of slavery, then went home and bought himself some more slaves. (He pre
ferred buying girls, so they could have kids and give him even more slaves. A sort of two-for-one deal.)

  Yes, Washington was a ball of contradictions. Even in politics he wasn’t always a smooth operator. He went behind people’s backs, argued, and sulked. It wasn’t until later in life that he learned how to hide his temper under a cool exterior. Sometimes.

  Puppet Master

  Washington was a master when it came to fooling people. His early career is loaded with a long list of misdeeds, including:

  1. Letting his men fire the shot that started the French and Indian War.

  2. (Accidentally) admitting to assassinating a French diplomat.

  3. Setting up a fort in a terrible location leading to its defeat.

  4. And marching against a superior force, losing, and blaming it on others.

  Second Continental Congress:

  Representatives from the twelve colonies who gathered to complain about Britain. The Declaration of Independence was signed at this gathering too, on July 4, 1776—exactly twenty-one years to the day a young George Washington lost his first fort.

  So his first command was a dismal failure. To top it off, he quit his position because he kept getting passed over for promotion. Weird. Somehow, he still came out smelling sweeter than a rose by the time the Second Continental Congress needed a military leader for their army. (To be fair, there weren’t a lot of military men to choose from. Most of the representatives from the colonies were politicians, not fighting men.)

  When the French and Indian War ended, Washington was still a young guy trying to move up in a hierarchical society. After trying his hand at the military and finding “something charming in the sound of bullets” whizzing past his ears, Washington went to the dark side—politics. His first political campaign was for a seat in the Virginia House of Burgesses.

  Virginia House of Burgesses:

  As a burgess, Washington represented a county in Virginia. He had some power but was content to sit back and let the more outspoken (read: loud) burgesses like Patrick Henry (“Give me liberty or give me death!”) do the talking.

  Mere technicalities didn’t stop George from using his imagination to gain voters. He really wanted that seat and the word “illegal” didn’t faze him. Washington didn’t like to lose, and after an embarrassing defeat in 1775, he stepped up his game in a big way. He had his supporters buy vats of wine, barrels of beer, and gallons of rum punch to help sway voters’ opinion of him. Washington wasn’t afraid to get caught buying votes. He was only afraid of not buying enough to claim victory.

  He won, of course. You don’t mess with colonists and their alcohol.

  To make his next move up the social ladder, he had to marry, and marry well. Luckily for him, the widow Martha Dandridge Custis was better than beautiful: she was rich and she had a thing for really tall guys.

  Even though his own mother boycotted his wedding, and even though George was in love with another (already married) older woman, George and Martha ended up being a match made in a miser’s heaven. With their marriage, he came to own eight thousand acres at Mount Vernon and over three hundred slaves, but George didn’t stop there.

  He was hungrier for land than a lion for a juicy zebra rump roast, and like the previous elections, employing shady dealings didn’t deter him. He secretly sent men over the invisible line dividing Indian and colonial lands to scout out prime real estate. When the British renegotiated a treaty allowing colonial expansion in 1768, Washington was ready to pounce.

  It wasn’t like he was the only one grabbing the best for himself. Most colonists were land-mad. George was just better than most at underhanded dealings and secrecy, and he also had greater motivation for it. He knew that he would need to be pretty wealthy to get noticed by Congress. And he intended to get noticed.

  Good Enough for Broadway

  You might be thinking, Sure, George wasn’t the nicest guy when it came to getting what he wanted, but he had the undivided support from Congress and his fellow revolutionaries because his leadership and genius won the Revolutionary War. Men were practically flocking to his side!

  Wrong.

  The day the Second Continental Congress decided to name the head of the Continental Army, George came dressed to impress. He rolled up in his chariot and emerged in full militia uniform, despite not having been in uniform for seventeen years. Thankfully, he had a few slaves at home who were handy with a sewing needle. His strategy worked. Everyone agreed—he looked the part. Washington was now the first Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army almost by default. But A-lister looks aren’t exactly a substitute for a tactical brain.

  Stud muffin in a saddle.

  John Adams, eventually the second president of the United States, later wrote a letter stating that the “talents” that got George the general job were his “handsome face” and “tall stature.” Adams forgot to mention his own part in George’s success. See, John Adams really didn’t like John Hancock, George’s chief rival for the command of the Continental Army. Maybe it was Hancock’s obnoxiously large signature that Adams didn’t like. Everyone knew it wasn’t to make King George III take notice; it was to make Hancock popular. In order to make sure Hancock didn’t become general, Adams nominated George Washington instead.

  Loud and proud.

  Petty differences weren’t all that swayed the voters. Washington was from the South, and the delegates understood they needed to unite the colonies in order to beat the British. Washington would help to bridge the gap and tie the North and South together in one cause for freedom.

  As he accepted the nomination, Washington said, “I do not think myself equal to the Command I am honored with.” In this case, he wasn’t being humble—he really was a terrible tactician with more “strategic retreats” than wins to date. That didn’t change in the next war. But who’s counting?

  To solidify his reputation, he declined any payment. Instead, he magnanimously agreed to bill Congress for his expenses. Everything from liquor to spies’ salaries to a broom was carefully recorded. At the end of the war, Washington charged $160,074 to the new government. That’s somewhere in the millions of dollars today.

  Despite being a meticulous record keeper via his thirty-two secretaries, George often found himself in debt. It might have been all those shopping sprees he enjoyed so much, but a lot of his money was also tied up in land. (He didn’t get better with age when it came to money. He even had to borrow a few thousand to go to his own inauguration in New York on April 30, 1789.)

  So, he wasn’t good with gold, but what about his leadership qualities? Everyone must have liked him during the war once they realized what a good general he was. Right?

  Wrong.

  “Outgeneralled”

  Washington had his army, his reputation, and his prestige. Nothing could stop him, except for the British. During 1775, Washington and the colonial army got really good at retreating. In 1776, things were going about the same way until Washington crossed the Delaware River at the end of the year and won the Battle of Trenton.

  The next year, 1777, started off well for Washington and his army, with a second win at Princeton a few days into January, but then things started going downhill again with Washington racking up defeats like he was racking up a pool table. The next horrendous winter spent at Valley Forge (1777–1778), where Washington’s men starved and froze to death, was merely one low point in a year of low points.

  It wasn’t just the British that wanted him dead. Even men in Congress were calling for his head. People had always groused about George’s lack of wins, his tactical faults, and his inability to see the big picture like keeping southern cities safe. George probably wondered if it was him when his aides tried to jump ship.

  Truly Alarming

  Despite being the poster boy for a new republic, George still had a bit of the pretentious in him. He really wanted to look elite and that meant surrounding himself with people that also looked elite. Obviously, he needed an entourage. So he formed
his own personal Life Guard to follow him everywhere. They made sure he wasn’t kidnapped or assassinated, and they carried his personal papers.

  It wasn’t enough that the men in his Life Guard were muscular and good at playing post-master. George had high standards down to every last plumed feather in their hats (because without a hat, a man’s appearance was just ruined according to Washington). They had to be at least five feet, eight inches tall, wear what he told them to wear, and own property. Washington spared no expense on them, but kept the group very hush-hush. It wouldn’t do for Congress to find out how expensive his kept men were. But Washington was a master of secret-keeping. He also kept an entire spy ring secret from Congress while he was general!

  One aide secretly asked another general to take over the army, and Washington faced down mutiny on three separate occasions. Alexander Hamilton, future Secretary of the Treasury, pointed out that Washington was moody, difficult to work with, and had mild abilities as a leader—but they had beef, so that might all just be bluster. Hamilton also thought Washington was indispensable to the cause, if only outwardly. The man looked really good on a white horse, and looks were important.

  Despite not knowing the terrain during important battles, despite being indecisive, and despite not having that spark of genius that marks most great generals, Washington was exactly what the American cause needed: a tough-as-tacks poster boy for freedom. His superhuman ability to dodge bullets didn’t hurt his image, either. Washington could come off the battlefield, his coat riddled with bullet holes, and not a scratch on him.